Over three years my wife and I have worked hard to help her regain the confidence and peace she felt in the temple of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints ten years ago, working against her diagnosed atypical dementia. In an unusual way, it involved attending numerous temples across the country, learning from each interaction. I hope this post might be useful to others beginning such a journey.

My nearly 60 year old wife has loved the temple her whole life, and was able to attend weekly for many years when our children became independent. In 2018 she was diagnosed with posterior cortical atrophy, an atypical dementia, which does not affect executive or speech functions, but rather limits visual-spatial perception.

Initially there was little impact upon her attendance at the temple, but during the COVID shut down her capabilities atrophied. After opening, even with a daughter assisting her to the veil and explaining her needs, the nervousness of the temple worker assisting my wife, which triggered anxiety in my wife, escalated and resulted in a very negative experience. The anxiousness at the thought of returning to the temple kept her away for more than a year.

To start to overcome this, I signed us up to help clean the temple but I was surprised by the challenges even doing that presented. This started our journey, prompting an initial email to our stake president. I quote from it below, and from other letters I have written to temple presidents about our experiences.

Companion Changing Rooms

In our assigned temple, there is no space within which I could help my wife change that evening. Although there are many sisters willing to help in the temple, it would be impossible for me to train them adequately to assist my wife without causing her anxiety.

Newer temples have companion changing rooms, simply an handicapped accessible bathroom with a few lockers. These rooms make a world of difference in initially entering the temple. Later, at another temple without a companion changing room, we were offered the youth waiting room, which was unused that day. It is likely one of the least utilized temple rooms, often containing an accessible bathroom, and sometimes lockers. Of course, it is not appropriate to use when youth are in the temple, but the temple knows that schedule well in advance. If you inquire about potential use, they may grant permission.

Temple presidents can give permission for someone to come dressed in white, eliminating the need to change. This might be useful for some, but not always practical for those at a distance. The last alternative is many temples have single person restrooms accessible before the recommend desk. They can be small, and they have no lockers, which requires packing clothes past the recommend desk (and if renting clothes more such trips), but it can be done. You’ll need to call a temple to ask if they exist.

Accommodating Temple Work

In my email to the stake president, I discussed accommodating my wife’s capacities in temple work.  A priesthood leader suggested that just sitting in the temple would be helpful to my wife. “But as she sat just beyond the recommend desk, she was asked numerous times by temple workers if she needed assistance, drawing attention to herself.” I humorously noted it would be impossible to train temple workers to not be so helpful.

A more natural place for my wife to sit peacefully would be in the Celestial Room; but unless an exception is granted by the temple presidency, one cannot go to the Celestial Room until after performing some ordnance in the temple. This made me realize that although the temples are the House of the Lord, “they really are geared towards work, and not the rest that would typically be part of a perfect home.” The disabled are in a period of rest in their eternal existence, and should feel comfortable doing so in the temple in some way.

Yet, it is clear tremendous accommodations can be made for disabled to work in the temple. Though at times it felt to my wife as if these accommodations pointed to her disabilities. My wife didn’t want to be special. Accommodations “are exceptions to processes” that “do not flow naturally.  They create jarring experiences every step through the temple.”

That being said, I would recommend a discussion with a member of the temple presidency, like I had a few months later. I got the impression the things I suggested required approval beyond the temple presidency. I later learned temple president manuals discuss accommodations. If I were to start this journey again, I would ask what is the greatest accommodation that can be made by the temple president. I learned later after trips to seven different temples that:

• Veil workers perform all physical aspects of the veil ceremony for an armless patron.
• Similarly, they perform all spoken aspects for a person who cannot speak.

Knowing these two facts helped lower my wife’s anxiety levels dramatically. I initially suggested an “observation only” endowment session ending for her before the veil to renew her memory of the ceremony. I thought it may help others with anxieties about their own endowment. A later temple president at a smaller temple who knew us well approved of this, which was helpful to my wife, but understanding the above accommodations earlier might have made that unnecessary.

Other observations based upon my wife’s condition:

• Sealings are the easiest ordinance to participate in with my wife. Our journey back to weekly temple worship started here.
• Initiatory requires scheduling the entire booth for her. She remains seated, and the workers move around her. Newer temples now have the entrance to initiatory outside of the locker rooms so I could deliver her to the ordinance workers. But temple workers are more than willing to help if that is not the case.
• Although even newer temples don’t have a companion accessible new name booth, some temples have accommodated this need in other places in the temple, while others have had a temple worker escort my wife to the women’s.

Communicating Clearly

I learned that although temples attempt to be very responsible when asked to help, at times communicating needs is a bit like the telephone game, where every piece of information passed along becomes a little less specific. I learned I can help the temple help us if I:

• Email the temple a description of what is needed for the work we will do after making an appointment (the temple email address is in the confirmation email, unfortunately not listed anywhere on the website for the appointment). The temple typically acknowledges receipt.
• My email describes the broadest accommodation that might be needed, but notes my wife might be able to do some of the work if allowed to try.
• I print my description and take a copy with us to the temple. After dressing but before the session, I give it to the shift coordinator, ensuring my message makes it to the end of the row. I have sensed gratitude for having a paper copy after meeting us, and being able to ask for more information.
• Over time we felt peaceful that this last step was the only thing that felt out of the ordinary for the temple even as we visited new temples or at a new time. If the accommodation needed is approved by the temple presidency, the shift coordinators feel fully empowered to make it happen.
• When doing an endowment, I request that I sit by my wife, so I can assist her with temple clothing. We are typically seated in the back, often before others are brought to the room.
• I request to escort my wife to the veil, and as we were beginning to renew her activity, I requested permission to stand behind her as she performed the ceremony, so that I could prevent escalation of problems.

I found having an “emergency escape” plan helped reduce the pressure I felt amid all of this. My plan was that if needed at any point, even while behind my wife at the veil, I could request that we simply exit, and we redo the ordinances another time.

Results

All of this has resulted in our ability to do hundreds of ordinances this year, and sensing we can step up the work with my wife assisted by others.

The above has not eliminated all problems. In one instance I was at a veil next to my wife doing the ceremony in tandem when I sensed problems were arising. I informed my temple worker I would pause my ceremony until her problems were resolved. I was able to assist in appropriate ways (even though I am not a temple worker). I was surprised when my wife said after the session it had been extremely peaceful.

I ended my initial email to the stake president by saying, “I feel quite strongly that her presence in the temple alone would add to the spirit there, without having to do any work.  In the ongoing restoration of the Gospel, and perfecting our temples on this earth, I’m confident we will find ways of helping those with differing capabilities contribute their own unique talents in our temples, for God is surely most welcoming of them to His holy house.”